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106
A Star To Keep
coming inside – they don’t need permission. A sneeze comes,
however not from Fazela, from the man. His talking is disrupted by
an uncontrollable chuckle. A yelp tears through our unyielding
prayers which could only come from one person, Fazela. Sounds
ricochet off the walls: wails of defeat, scraping and pulling across
the floor and whimpers of pain. We close our eyes and wait, waiting
as another celestial thing is ripped straight from our beating hearts.
I never saw her again. My neighbour arrives and takes me home.
He is aware of the teaching but will not spread a word as he is one
of the few men who feel reduced because of the Taliban. Once I
arrive, I assemble ingredients to cook for tonight’s meal before
father returns. My mother wearily smiles at me as I pretend to have
been in this house all along. As any other day, I do, because I must,
if not for me then for my mother. Like the other mothers, she must
do double the work so that we may go unnoticed, so that we may
learn. So I hide under my burqa and hope father does not see any
glint of uncertainty; not today, and not tomorrow.
I watch the transition from day to night as often as possible. The
clouds look as if they are cardboard pieces carefully thrown into a
fire. The edges are tinged with smouldering light and embers root
themselves deeper into the cloud. The darkness lurks around the
corners of the burning light and abruptly claims the sky. Stars
glimmer with the hope of what we can achieve. It seems we are
never scared of the darkness itself, but of the possible things that
may manifest due to its presence. They’re not afraid of the
knowledge, they’re afraid of what we may become when we have it.
They shudder at the choices, the possibilities. Let there be more
stars as we teach ourselves, so that when we look at the night sky we
do not see darkness, we see light. So that we are no longer scared of
it being dark, as we are no longer scared of the unknown. I name my
star Arezu. Let it be a beacon and guide for our children. Let me
shine brightly and pass on my teaching as Fazela has shown me. Let
me twinkle like a star. I peel off my burqa and it falls to the ground.
I will not be scared.
‘
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